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Peace and Long Life
Blog of a vegan, straight-edge, Zen Buddhist, trans, lesbian, aspie...
forlorn79
forlorn79
All that’s left...
She let me be as one with her, and I lost myself for the first time in the essence of another.
I knew I would never be the same. How can you mature with someone as one heart, and then be completely apart, without depressing pain?
I have surely lost the essence of myself as I grow older. I have already lost the love of my life, twice, causing my blood to run colder.
Now I see the cycle repeating with others: more of my will decaying with their more rapid departures.
What you see before you is a soul stripped bare: my gender an expression of my life without a care.
A rare smile is strained. My hair is chopped off. My skin color is drained. My grasp feels soft.
Do you see what is missing? I have tried to find myself, but I can’t replace the one I miss kissing.
Everything I am is a reference to a memory. All that’s left of me is one half of a pair that used to be.

Tags: ,
Mood: numb numb

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Comments
crifoter From: crifoter Date: February 6th, 2013 01:49 pm (UTC) (Link)

Long Relationships/Partnerships are Overrated; Examples?

Parents divorced,right? Mine bickered viciously right in front of us when they were in their 30's and '40's. Had the gall to tell my (divorced)brother and I we were why they stayed together. My first(single handicapped lesbian),One And Only's parents shut each other out for good 15 years into the marriage when she was born. Her love of women was part of why I want to be one, in addition to my brain and body chemistry. After she ended it I said her name to myself every day in quiet moments until about 2 years ago, odd coincidence? My stubbornly obese wife, the second love of my life, for 20 years now, has developed a smoldering contempt for me that suprises us both when it leaps out. Last night she snapped at me, and STG I softly said "right back atcha...". A suprised sad look came over her face, and she was nicer. Unlike her I havent let myself go, and I remain the affectionate one. I hope our beat up partnership makes it to old age tolerating each other, but people generally piss each other off in time...vast oversimplication of Ryan and Jethra's main point re monagamy in Sex At Dawn. Perhaps because you didnt get those partnerships, you might be idealizing them? Realistically they would be just as big a PIA as everybody elses, making you ~ just as unhappy. Also you would have lost freedoms, taken for granted?, the (ethical) partnered gave up long ago. Hang on. Maybe throw the ball, and lose those barber shears? I did kinda think your first longish half boy/half girl haircut was a lil brilliant. How is Raksha?
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forlorn79 From: forlorn79 Date: February 6th, 2013 03:15 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Long Relationships/Partnerships are Overrated; Examples?

Your comment is longer than my entry, I think. My parents divorced after about 6 years. I've had relationships were I was not unhappy in, including the one I mentioned here. In fact, I've never felt like having total separation from someone I care about, even if I sometimes did want some freedom. My hair keeps growing. Raksha is doing well.
crifoter From: crifoter Date: February 6th, 2013 06:44 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Long Relationships/Partnerships are Overrated; Examples?

Glad, Im sure shes a happy kitty. I have a story too, and have developed an appetite for writing and opining, artculately and politely as much as I can. Home today with another cold I wont spread and time on my hands. Also I get something out of communicating with my would be confidante. I dont understand it. Its like there is this rare special benevelent energy re attempting to understand what's happening to us as individuals and as a society.
forlorn79 From: forlorn79 Date: February 7th, 2013 11:00 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Long Relationships/Partnerships are Overrated; Examples?

crifoter From: crifoter Date: February 8th, 2013 03:54 am (UTC) (Link)

Potential discussion topic, but only if you want to

Tell me what immpressed you about that article, not having read the book, which isnt any big deal, and I might tell tell you what unimpressed me, as long as things are always cordial?.Glad kitty is doing well. Ours and our beagle are best buddies; they zoom and spar. We call it Kat-Fu.
crifoter From: crifoter Date: February 9th, 2013 06:39 am (UTC) (Link)

Manners 2.0

lets put away this politics and psychology crap and skate and bowl already. Good poem.
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