I made a new video where I talk about many things, but mostly about sex. It's not graphic, and it's not comprehensive, but it covers a lot about how I feel about that activity. Survival and reproduction are primal drives, but that doesn't mean our lives have to revolve around them! We have the ability to choose our own path.

Tags: camcorder, philosophy, sex, video, vlog
Mood: not horny

Honestly, even with all the challenges ahead, the future has never looked brighter. Looking back at the last year of preparations, 8 years of this journal, and the 30 years I’ve been alive, it has all come to this moment. It’s an amazing thing to be starting over, yet still carrying three decades of experience. I actually have another week until I’ll have some specific news, but I’m ready for whatever comes. Dreams are not something that you achieve, but something you work at, as a life goal. There have been many transformative moments along my path, but I finally feel like I am finally living a good life, and able to find the truth beyond the creations of society. Year Zero is now!

Tags: happy, philosophy
Mood: good

I've listened to many beliefs, from atheists to theists, from Buddhists to Christan's. People often get in arguments about semantics, and how people are categorized. This can be from without, such as a Christian saying what an atheist or agnostic or even a Zen Buddhist person is, or it can come from within the group about it's own members.

The same type of thing happens in debates about gender and sexuality, which I have also talked about here. My belief is that everyone is diverse and different. Trying to figure out who fits into what category is really not important. No 2 Christians have the same beliefs, and the same goes for any other group.

I'm not trying to be the same as other Buddhists, atheists, or agnostics. I couldn't be, even if I did want to. When people try to change reality into a binary system, with everyone needing to fit at one extreme or the other, you end up causing a lot of suffering. Unfortunately, that black & white world is what many people try to see.

Tags: buddhism, philosophy, religion
Mood: disappointed

It may not always seem obvious, but many of the things we take for granted as normal and accepted were once immoral. Some people still feel that way. Think about the Puritans who colonized this country, or even the extreme Muslims of today. There are some in this country who still hold on to those type of views, but they are now in the minority. Laws have changed, but we are not at the end of the road of equality.

Women still have not reached equality with men. Homosexuals still have not reached equality with heterosexuals. Transgendered people have not reached equality with cisgendered people. Women have come a long way, and that struggle may be less a legal one know, and more a matter of time, generation, and inertia. Homosexuals have come pretty far, but they are still in the middle of legal struggles, and many still view their sexual orientation as immoral.

Religion still influences the beliefs of many people, and depending on their particular religion, transgendered people are people who are as bad as rapists and pedophiles. If this sounds familiar, it's because the same used to be the beliefs of people about homosexuals. How far do we have to go until the average person realizes that transgendered people aren't doing anything immoral? Decades, or maybe never.

For myself, I am just going to try to be honest, so some members of my family will realize that their understanding was wrong. Being open about yourself and true to yourself is not a sin, but living a life you don't feel right with is. My grasp on what is right and wrong is not based on old traditions that often are outdated, but on what's really happening, in every moment. I refuse to waste my life in fear and living against my dreams.

Try to avoid causing harm, treat others as you would want to be treated, and live life to the fullest: don't waste it. That's how I generally see morality and the good life. So why should transgendered people be forlorn?

Tags: family, philosophy, religion, sex, transgendered
Mood: contemplative

What I'm going to describe is simply my experience with recent events, so it is inherently subjective. In spite of my mentioning this in various ways in the past, I feel it is something I want to bring up, again. The stimulus for these thoughts is not so narrowly focused, but I recently have been going through some dramatic coming out conversations, and other talks about the transition. Often, the gender of the person I'm talking with is an important signifier of how they will react.

It may come as no surprise to you, but there really are differences in male and female gender, at least in my experience with compassion. What is compassion? I feel it's not simply the willingness and action of helping someone, but also the empathy to care about what they are going through. I know someone who loves to point out the different ways people relate, from a masculine way (stoic and rational) to the feminine way (emotional and relational.) It's not quite so clear a dichotomy, and people do break this rule.

-Males who are accepting tend to be somewhat supportive in word, but very detached and less empathetic. Males who are not accepting seem "brutally honest" with their opinions that they think are facts, more interrogative, and practically hateful. Generally, they seem to focused more on events and rules, and act more ambivalent.

- Females who are accepting say supportive things, do supportive things, and generally are more in touch with how it's affecting me. Females who are not accepting... I haven't really had this yet. Even those who have a hard time with it at first, they still deal with it privately, and end up to be supportive. Generally, they seem to be more open and engaged.

I'm not saying that males can't be compassionate, but I usually can notice the difference in how people handle things, and females have been more compassionate. This is all based on what I feel is compassionate, so if you have a different idea, such as the "tough love" approach, then you might feel differently. When it comes down to how I want to relate to others, I still try and have a bit of rational and relational compassion, but I much prefer the female way of engaging with people.

Does this mean I dislike males? No, I don't think one gender is better than the other... well, except in certain situations. It probably isn't that important, but it does make me feel a little better about what I'm going through.

(Oh yeah, if you are female, then the winner is you!)

Tags: philosophy, relationships, transgendered
Mood: thoughtful

When I was young, there were plenty of excuses, and not much got done. I had denial, ignorance, and procrastination. But my dreams and goals did not die in my youth, and I eventually moved away from what was given to me by others, when it was the right time.

It started when I became an adult, and I started to find my own way. Whenever I had a big change I wanted to make, it happened quickly, once I had no more excuses. It seems that there's always plenty of excuses not to make big changes. But not forever!

Like other big changes, the decision to transition happened quickly, once I reasoned away what was holding me back. I stopped doubting myself, I learned, and I acted. I had my own place, no romantic relationship, and a good job. I needed to improve myself.

Most of all, I have the drive. No excuses. No going back. Progress!

Tags: philosophy, transgendered
Mood: determined

right concentration

Meditation, zazen, or any act that puts you in a state of zen focus. The other aspects of that path help you have right concentration, and in turn, right concentration helps you understand the other aspects of the path. This is not something you do all the time, but it is a tool for demystifying experience and knowledge. It is not a very hard or complicated skill, but it does take discipline and patience. It can seem boring, but it works. It is the beginning and the end of the path, but it is the journey that happens in between that matters.

After all this time, and all these entries, I can look back and see how I've changed and grown. Whenever I protected my ego, or rushed to judge, I fell short of my potential. But as things continue to change, there will never be a point of completion. Rather, the need to improve will intensify. As I make progress, I will tackle things that I once thought I was unable to accomplish. My focus will shift from time to time, and hopefully I will become wiser and better as I meet my goals. Righteousness is not easy to achieve, but you can, if you concentrate.

I believe it will be an incredible journey. Love & Peace!

Tags: buddhism, philosophy
Mood: optimistic

right mindfulness, right memory, right awareness, right attention

This is when you focus on the mind, body, and emotions in and of themselves, in order to have a clear observation of the present. Ideally, you are simply experiencing the world as it is, and not judging it. It is a very open and quiet feeling. By contrast, usually our attention is constantly being shared with things that happened in the past, or that we are planning for the future. Distractions from what's happening now, or judgments about what we experience, separate us from the truth of reality. Right awareness is always there, but seldom experienced.

Buddhism is in no small part a stripping away of false experiences. The truth of reality is always there for you to see, but because we lack right mindfulness, we don't experience it as such, and instead we form our own version of the truth. Even though we all have a unique perspective, it's further complicated because we are distracted all the time. I'm not saying that everyone should see things the same, because we cannot, but that the beauty of our unique experiences is lost by our own lack of mindfulness of what's going on.

People see me as quiet and thoughtful, so they assume that I am thinking deep thoughts. This is almost never the case. Often, my mind is as quiet and calm as my outward appearance. I am simply trying to observe and experience directly. However, I still have many occasions where I go into my own world, and start over thinking things, or losing focus on the present. My goal has been to get closer to living in the present, and stop worrying about the past and future that do no exist. When I am my most mindful, I am living at peace.

The truth is now!

Tags: buddhism, philosophy
Mood: awake

right effort, right endeavor

This is the effort to bring about the wholesome and eliminate the unwholesome in thoughts, words, and deeds. The unwholesome is useless and harmful, while the wholesome is useful and harmless. As always, most things fall somewhere in between. It is through practice that we can gain wisdom by direct experience. The main forms of practice are mental discipline and mediation, in other words, concentration. This is a higher form of right intention. It is an effort to bring yourself to a point where you naturally do good.

Once you realize that you are not your thoughts, and that you can control what thoughts you do have, then you can start to think of the good consistently. When you feel that you are your thoughts, and you have no control over them, because they are yourself, there's not much you can do to improve. Once you learn to see the difference between you and what comes to mind, you can start to ignore thoughts that are detrimental, which most of them may be. We have a lot of junk in our brain that distracts from doing what we should.

I've always felt that I have an inherent drive to be good, so right effort doesn't seem to be a big obstacle. However, I still don't do as well as I should, largely because my mental discipline is still cluttered. My mental drive is not always toward what is good, but rather what will bring me pleasure now. Even though I know that this type of pleasure is often not good or lasting, I still engage in it. I hope that as I gain experience, I will one day be able to have better mental control, and live according to higher principles.

Once I get where I should be, it won't be the end, but the start of a new journey of maintaining that effort.

Tags: buddhism, philosophy
Mood: contemplative

right livelihood

There is one activity we do more than almost any other, besides sleeping, and that's work. It follows from right action that you should not work for a business that causes harm, whether it's directly or indirectly caused by yourself. Examples include dealing in weapons, poisons, meats, human exploitation, slavery, intoxicants, etc. Besides these major concerns, we've experienced other aspects of business that we find deplorable, but maybe not as severe. Companies are infamous for putting profits over human concerns. Money should not override your moral obligations.

I have been lucky in recent years to have jobs which I find to be of high moral standing. Making solar cells was a job I felt good about that helped the environment, and making digital X-ray panels for mammography can save lives. My employer is one of the largest companies in the world, so I know they have some business that are not as good as health care, but overall I have a good impression of them. My current job is the kind that I'd love to make a career, until I decide to retire. I'm happy to do it, and I'd be willing to be paid much less than my generous salary.

Rather than having a goal to find your own peace without having to work, give back to the people who also have given to you by having the right livelihood, and then you'll lead a truly good life.

Tags: buddhism, job, philosophy, work
Mood: working