There is a person who's been part of many important experiences in my life, and now I cannot even say another word to her. I think it would be easier if it was dealing with a death, but the person is still very alive and not far away. Realistically, not much will change from how things have been for over a year now. However, I always had a hope for some kind of reconciliation, for at least a friendship, if not growing older and falling into a romance again. I guess love is a powerful thing, but maybe my weirdness was enough to break it down. Can I be happy without someone so critical to my life's story? I don't know. I just feel like my life is some kind of failed experiment, but it just keeps going, because there's no reason for it to end, either. Sure, I could try to blow this off as not my fault, but I can't help wonder how I can make something work when I can cause this kind of reaction in someone, even while doing very little. I feel like a paradox; I want intimacy with people strongly, but I seem unable to make that work. Together, those traits are not the way to live a happy life. I have to move on, but my heart may be destroyed at this point, so I don't know where I'm going.

Tags: relationships, sad
Mood: crushed

Senator Roy J. McDonald

This bill could mean the difference between keeping my job and apartment, or having to try and start over. I've worked hard to get where I am, and I play by the rules. Yet I could lose all I've worked for just because I transitioned to living as my true gender.

It's not fair for anyone to be discriminated against based on something that is not some deviant behavior, but is simply the genuine expression of ones personal identity. Everyone deserves a fair legal ground to stand on, especially those who are in the smallest minorities in our society; trans people like me...

( Read more... )

Tags: politics, transgender, work
Mood: hopeful

I think things went well, although I tend to talk about myself too much. I hope I won't do that as much in the future. Asking questions and listening can be more valuable than monologues.

Tags: relationships
Mood: hopeful

There's still hope for me. Part of that is finding new ways to live that are beneficial and getting over the troublesome ways of being. I hope that if I am able to make changes in my life, they will mostly be positive, and not superficial and meaningless. Most of the negativity I feel about my life comes from how I view myself as different and I believe those differences cause people to be distant from me. I'm trying to take more positive actions to get people involved in my life, instead of hoping they will involve me without my direct intervention. Winning at life is a lot harder than in games, but maybe these experiences I've had are related.

While gaming has made progress, it's also gone in many negative directions. Games are no longer a good way to be involved with people. I used to love gaming, and still do to some extent, but many actions by the entire gaming world have conspired to make it a much less satisfying activity. While online has expanded games possibilities, gaming seems more like the movie industry now, looking to increase sales with generic content over telling meaningful stories and giving people powerful forms of entertainment. And gamers have also become more about winning than having a good experience.

Sequels and Expansions: any game that sells is milked for as long as possible, often without any really beneficial changes to the game. At its worst, they even release games early or hold back content until players pay more than the initial price. Games are even released for free now, relying on players to pay more and more until they get to the full experience, otherwise they are often penalized, compared to others who pay more. The direct competition among gamers fuels this arms race. In the end, gaming is more expensive, either from higher upfront costs, or more down the line.

I prefer gaming to be a fair activity to enjoy, not a way to waste time and money and cause stress. It can create amazing moments of strategy and creativity, or it can be a draining exercise in monotony. Lately my life has seemed like a modern game. It's draining and stressful, and more focused on winners and losers than having amazing moments and fun. I want my experiences in life and games to be meaningful and valuable, and lately they have seemed superficial and wasteful. I still remember having those amazing experiences, and I want more of them, not more of this emptiness.

Tags: games, relationships
Mood: contemplative

In the next week, I'll decide if there's anything left for me to give, or if I'm going to walk away from it all.

Tags: sad
Mood: depressed

I decided to stop looking for love, and made a video.

Tags: love, video, writer's block
Mood: blah

Today I've decided that my online dating experiment is basically over, and it didn't go anywhere. I did put myself out there, but myself turns out to be as undesirable as I originally suspected. I've given up on that aspect of life for now, so I can focus on other things.

Tags: relationships
Mood: pessimistic

I no longer have the bad habit of using animal products, such as for food, shoes, and so on.

Tags: vegetarianism, writer's block
Mood: accomplished

Where no one has gone before.

Tags: science, writer's block
Mood: geeky

Our roller derby league had a photo shoot on Sunday, then I came out to the league about being transsexual on the message boards, but everything's going great so far. Tonight at practice, I had my first real scrimmage, and I did great for a rookie, even getting lead jammer and scoring 4 points! I feel like things are finally where they should be, or at least moving in that direction, and even being single with the craptastic VD approaching tomorrow seems to not really matter. Life is good, and I want to work to make it even better.

Tags: happy, relationships, roller derby, sports
Mood: content